If we're honest...really, brutally honest...we have all played favorites at one point or another and I am as guilty as anyone. Here at the Clubhouse there are six individuals all with their own set of quirks and chaos, the likes of which has been known to find me at my spot on the couch, coffee cup in hand, shaking my head asking rather loudly what is WRONG with everyone! Truth of the matter is, there is nothing wrong with anyone, myself included. We're just different. If I REALLY want to be honest, the quirks and the chaos tend to show themselves among the ones who are actually the most alike. On the surface it's hard to see this but after I step back, take one or more breaths, and really start to look, they are crystal clear. Too much so at times.
Now this being said, how many of us here have been on the receiving end of favoritism...by our KIDS? Again, show of hands...anyone...anyone?
Matthew and Ira are two peas in a pod. They look alike, almost to the point of being scary at times. They walk alike. They dress alike. They are always together. Along with his autism, Matthew has a condition we at the Clubhouse like to call "CarButt." Loosely translated it means every time the car door opens, his butt has to be inside. And God forbid should he ever have to stay behind..well...it is NOT a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Sorry, Mr. Rogers!
Matthew and Ira seem to have their own language thing going on. We'll be at the grocery store and, should we become separated, all Ira has to do is either raise his hand or cluck his tongue to the roof of his mouth and Matthew will appear out of nowhere. At times Matthew will run words together to where they almost sound garbled. More times than not, Ira knows exactly what he is saying. Matthew will come and lean against Ira on the couch, engage in tickling matches, and cuddles and kisses.
That's nice!!!!!!
Up until four-and-a-half years ago, I was left to raise the kids. A single mom with little to no work experience it was now up to me to keep the house going, the bills paid, and all of us together. I spent many nights laying on my bathroom floor with itchy teeth crying my guts out because I had no clue what to do and how to provide for us all. Couple that with I was still new to being an autism mom. I didn't know up from down. IEPs, ABA, OT, ST, it was all like alphabet soup to me. Struggling to get Matthew to eat something past mac-n-cheese and Kool-Aid (starch and sugars, those were his staples), scrubbing the walls and throwing away bath towels found under the bathroom sink because they were used as toilet paper, meltdowns of epic proportion...Matthew flipping over tables in his classroom, biting himself, slapping himself in the head. Looking me in the eye and either screaming at me, spitting on me, or both. If I'd had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase "You've got your hands full" I could have single handedly ended the recession or at the very least lessened it.
If I'm not careful I can become resentful.
I know Matthew loves me. I know through simple things; reaching over and taking my hand for no apparent reason, dancing with me at his Halloween party, thanking God for bringing me through my carpal tunnel surgery at the dinnertime prayer. So why don't I have the same thing with him that his dad does?
I'm not his dad!
Just as I love all four children in the same way (unconditionally), I have also had to learn to love them differently. I cannot approach them in the same manner because they are individuals, unique in personality and design. Each situation, even if it appears to be the same, requires a different approach. The results I get may be the same or they may not be. If the kids should be dealt with and related to differently, what makes me think we as the parents are any different?
Besides, when Matthew takes my hand, or smiles at me, sings "Fruit Salad," says "I love you"...these things speak volumes in a manner I might have taken for granted otherwise. You know, I think it's fair to say we have our own thing too, special and unique to us. I don't have to be his favorite. His rousing chorus of "Fruit Salad" is enough for me!
