Grown Up New Year's Resolutions

A few minutes ago I was sorting through some notes I'd posted to my timeline on Facebook and I came across one from New Year's Eve 2010. With 2014 a mere three days away I thought I would brush the dust off of them and share them here. Like myself, they are a work in progress, growing and changing. With that I give you--

Twenty-some odd years ago, as the New Year was dawning, I remember sitting down with my pen and paper, feverishly sketching a list. Not just any list...THE list...a list that most of us make each New Year with the best of all intentions of seeing it through. While memory fails on each and every item on said list, I do remember it looking a little something like this:

1) Losing this excess weight

2) Meeting my financial obligations (which is a hoot now, considering I was unemployed then!)

3) Seeing all of my written works published

4) Meeting the "right" person and having a family (okay, I never actually put this on the list but it was implied.)

5) Finding a good (translation: a high-paying, work-too-many-hours, no time for God, family, self to the point of developing hypertension and possibly having a heart attack) job and being successful.

And the list went on....

I was 18 and  barely into  my first year of college when I made that list. I had the best intentions when it was made. We all want to move forward in life, to gain promotion, to be successful, with the approval of those around us. None of us want to struggle. We don't want the pain of being unfit, in debt, working a dead end job  because that's all that's available due to an uncertain economy and job market. We also don't want to be alone. We may say it with our words and to some degree show it in the way we conduct our daily lives but the truth of the matter is, we are not equipped to walk through this world by ourselves.  None of us want to be uncomfortable. I am no exception. Sadly, 23 years after writing this list, I found myself exactly where no one wants to be. It was a combination of the choices of others coupled with my own heartbreak and rebellion. As a result, my perspective has changed along with what I have come to see as truly important. With that, I offer my new list of resolutions for 2011; some "Grown-Up Resolutions" as it were.

1) I desire character above reputation. A reputation is the way you present yourself to the world. Character is who you are when no one but yourself and God is present.

2) I desire mercy, forgiveness, and compassion, keeping in mind that I myself stand in the need of these things daily.

3) I desire patience and humility in times when pride would like to rear its ugly head. 

4) I desire joy, peace, stability, and maturity. I have wasted 23 years of my life allowing my feelings to boss me around and determine the way my day was going to go. I have wasted 23 years of my life by not setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. I have wasted 23 years of my life letting my circumstances lead the way and in doing so steal my peace and my joy. I have wasted enough time being touchy, petty, mistrusting of people, and outright miserable. I no longer have my life in front of me as I did when I was 18. And I no longer have the time for wasting anymore time.

5) I desire a healthy, balanced relationship with myself. I am the one person in the world I can never get away from. And as mentioned before, I have wasted 23 years of my life comparing myself to others for a myriad of reasons; not being satisfied with the gifts God gave me, wishing I looked like Sister So-and-So, wishing I could sing, dance, etc. like this person over here. I have wasted so many years trying to change my hair like my favorite singer (Amy Grant's spiral perm), trying to change my body in unhealthy fashions (can anyone say "California Diet" along with "Slim Fast"?), trying to change my ways of speaking including not speaking at all because someone believes I talk too much and adopting the likes of others whether or not I may actually share these likes. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am who I am and as such, I am making peace with my hair, my mouth, and my thighs!

6) I desire to love people and to help people when and where that may be possible. Maybe through a smile, a look, a hug. Or maybe just a simple "I understand" when in all actuality I don't understand.  In short, I guess really all I want is to just make a difference!

Granted, this list is a work in progress (as am I) and I will probably have ample opportunity to add to it throughout this next year.  I still desire to be healthy, to manage my finances.  I still possess the desire to see at least one book in print.  There is still so much that I would like to see and do before my time here is through. Will I accomplish it all? Perhaps. What should matter is the things that are of true importance--such as what was listed--are what gets accomplished and that they are accomplished with a pure heart and proper motives.

Have a blessed  New Year!

Morning Coffee, Morning News, And A Nasty Message

I've been in a struggle these past couple of days.

I've struggled with whether or not I should share something in this blog lest others be hurt and, God forbid, offended. After all this blog relays the life and misadventures of an autism mom and the potentially offensive piece doesn't exactly relate to autism. Therefore it may not have a place here.

You know what? Screw it! Here it is. The chips can fall where they may and I will take my lumps if needed!

If you have been anywhere on the internet freeway lately, I will find it safe to assume that you have heard, seen, and read the controversy surrounding A&E's "Duck Dynasty" patriarch Phil Robertson and an interview with GQ. I have neither the time nor the energy to go into the details. The long and short of it is that when asked the question, "What, in your mind, is sinful?" Mr. Robertson gave him an answer:

                 “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.” (http://www.gq.com/entertainment/television/201401/duck-dynasty-phil-robertson?currentPage=2)

He goes on to add, including himself in this laundry list-- “We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?” (http://www.gq.com/entertainment/television/201401/duck-dynasty-phil-robertson?currentPage=2)

The end result led to outrage from the LGBT community and Phil Robertson being suspended from "Duck Dynasty." 

Now, let me make something clear right out of the gate. I am a Christian. I am not a perfect Christian. I am not even a "good" Christian," if either even exist. What I am is an individual with more flaws and scars than anything else, who has seen struggle and hardship more than I care to. What I am is an individual who has labored under the delusion that simply because you love someone, you are not obligated to accept and embrace everything they do. I am also someone who has labored under another delusion that simply because you differ with someone, however that may be, you still show love, mercy, and goodness to them. I am a Christian and because I am, I do not, cannot, and will not support same-sex marriage or the gay lifestyle.  This does not mean, however, that I give my stamp of approval to mistreatment and abuse of any kind. Let me also add that all those who are in relationship with me have known this about me from the beginning. It has never been a secret!

I made the mistake of sharing a couple of pictures and links that supported Phil Robertson. This is where I went wrong. What a surprise I got the following morning.

Most people start the day off with a hot cup of coffee and the morning news. Others have breakfast on the fly. How did my Friday morning start? With a message in my inbox that went a little something like this:

                      "You have proven who you are. A fake Christian bigot! I am unfriending you as I do not need hateful bigots in my life!"

Talk about tolerance!

I lost count of the number of times I read this message. I was stunned each time my eyes fell on the words "fake Christian bigot." I was floored to say the very least. I ended up blocking this person but not before I copied and pasted his message into a post that was shared on my timeline. I am not quite sure what he was trying to accomplish, if he was trying to accomplish anything at all, but if he had something in mind, it backfired in a major way!

I spent a good part of the morning in tears. Words hurt, especially words of that magnitude. As the day went on, I went from being in tears to finding myself spun into a level of pissed off that I haven't been in a long time! How dare he!

First of all, I know what it is to be different and to be bullied and mistreated because of it. I didn't know what it was that made me different and I have gone back and forth with feelings of relief to wishing I had known. I know what it is to have words cut to the very fiber of my soul. I'll let you in on a little secret, if you haven't already figured it out; words take longer to heal, if they ever really do. I know what it is to be physically abused while others looked on and oddly enough "never saw a thing." I know what it is to be written off by the ones who were supposed to be teaching me, helping me learn. 

I also know what it is to watch my own children go through these very things, feeling helpless as its happening because no one is listening or taking me seriously. I know what it is to be excluded, a misfit. Because I do, I've learned how not to treat others. I wish I could say I hit the mark each and every time throughout my life but sadly I didn't. I've kept going though. Isn't that what counts?

I'm 44 years old with more years behind me than in front of me and I am fed up to the gills with being told what I have to accept simply because the rest of the world tells me to and if I don't I'm "hateful," a "fake Christian bigot." I am maxed out with being told that I'm intolerant if I don't embrace what I know goes against my convictions. I am worn to the bone with being told I have to water down my convictions to the point of silence for the comfort and happiness of someone else when these same folks will not do the same for my comfort and happiness. 

What I want is fairly simple and that is--

             --to love God and grow closer to Him than I have ever been

             --to live by His word

             --to love others

             --and to let others see Him in me.

That's it! 

I am not going to show His love by hiding in a corner somewhere.

At the same time, I can't let the world see Him in me if I have more of the world in me than I do Him!

When Momma Has A Meltdown: The Saga Continues

It's getting to be that time...

I don't know how it all crept up so soon but it's around the corner....

No, I am not referring to Christmas (although that too is sneaking its way to the front door).

I am referring to that annual gathering every autism parent must participate in but so very few look forward to with eagerness and enthusiasm...the IEP. Individualized Education Plan if anyone unfamiliar with autismese is reading this. 

Overall, I can't complain about the IEPs we've attended for Matthew. From the beginning of this leg, he's had a support staff that is beyond excellent, who has worked with him and not against us. It's been wonderful to actually have a team of people who keep lines of communication open and who recognize the young man behind the diagnosis. With his brother, the experience was just the opposite.

Unfortunately, it's because of this upcoming event I had the mother of all meltdowns.

Since Matthew is now 18-years-old and, for all intents and purposes, an adult, Papa and I have had to go through the process of obtaining guardianship, something I never would have dreamed I'd be doing, especially for my own son! But we filled out the paperwork, met with the professionals, had our day in court, and guardianship was approved and granted. So of course, given his age and being in the adult/transitional program at his school, yet another assessment had to be filled out. An assessment rating which daily living/social/and whatever other title you want to put on them skills he possesses and whether or not these things can be carried out independently. Kind of like a 1-10 scale except this is a 0-2 with 0 being he cannot and 2 being he can do independently. Okay..I got through this portion all right.

The last section of the assessment had to do with future happenings; what type of school did I want to see him attending? College? Trade school? Vocational school? Another type of school? And for him to meet this goal, he would need___________________________________________ and I was to fill in the blank. There was a section like this for employment, education, where he would reside, how he would get from point A to point B, what social/community happenings would I like to see him taking part in. Of course, to meet these goals, he would need_______________________________________________________.

It was at this point where Momma completely lost it!

Before I ever became a mother, I used to imagine what it would be like to have children. I visualized what they looked like from the color of their hair to their eye/skin color. I dreamed big dreams for them and wondered what their lives would be like, where their hopes and plans would take them. Once the boys were actually here, those hopes and plans and dreams only magnified.  I suppose that is how it is for most of us in the "Mommyhood."

Then autism came a-calling and all of a sudden these hopes and dreams and visualizations seemed to fly right out the window. These big dreams I used to dream no longer existed. Now it was just a matter of getting him from one day to the next. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I stared at that assessment, tears pouring down my face, not knowing how to answer the questions/statements. These were things I stopped thinking about fourteen years ago when life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. These were ideals I have not so much as entertained even as Matthew has progressed. I have frozen at the very idea. My heart broke once again reading through each of these plans...hopes....dreams....ideals...things every parent wishes for their child and so many never get to realize.

It's been a little more than a day now and I have had a chance to regroup. I will most likely pick this assessment back up, return to that section, and make a valiant attempt at answering. I may do it through tears. I may do it stone faced. I may have to fake my way through somehow. I'm not really sure at this point but I know somehow it will be done. It has to be done.

I just wish I knew how...

One Flew Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest

Life in the Clubhouse changed considerably yesterday.

We moved our oldest son to college.

I knew this day was coming. I knew it was looming. We talked about it. We planned for it. We even went shopping for it. What I didn't expect was that it was going to come so stinking fast!

You tell yourself your child leaving home is inevitable. You tell yourself it's a part of life, that kids are not meant to live with Mom and Dad forever (under most circumstances anyway), and of course it's a new beginning for you as well as for them. What seems to be missing from the equation is the part where you cry until your eyes are swollen shut and snot is hanging in strings from your nose.

You can pretty much guess how I spent the better half of the day, can't you?

I told myself all of the aforementioned. I told myself this was his chance to strike out and try his newly earned wings. I told myself the last thing in the world I wanted for him was to find himself earning less than minimum wage in a job he's miserable at. I told myself he had too many God-given gifts for them to be wasted here. I told myself all of this. What I didn't tell myself was I was about to feel my heart being ripped from my chest.

Jordan, my first born, took 36 hard and difficult hours to get here. He was my Simba, my Munchie, my source of zingers and one liners that stunned and amused us beyond description. My dinosaur lover, he could tell you which dinosaur lived during which time period, something that at the age of 44 I still can't do. My train connoisseur, he spouted off details of different types of locomotives and what jobs they would perform. "Green Eggs And Ham" was the first book he read to me at the tender age of 4. Little Bear, Doug, Arthur, Thomas the Tank Engine, Blue's Clues, The Puzzle Place were among the shows we would laugh and learn with. 

This same little boy morphed almost over night into a young man whose interests broadened to include computers, Sonic The Hedgehog, big cats, and prehistoric creatures. At an age when he should have been a typical teenager he took on the role of brother/father to his younger siblings, growing fiercely protective of his mother who was going through her own circles of hell and stupidity. School issues, bullying issues, personal issues....oh yeah, we went through!

I watched as he was getting his things situated in his dorm room, this 6', husky young man with  stubble on his chin and shadows of that little boy woven into his features. My heart ached. The tears came. And I didn't care who saw!

My baby is no longer a baby.

My little boy is now a man. 

I remember my own mother telling me that your job as a parent doesn't end when the kids are grown; it merely goes through different phases, as though you're meeting that child for the first time all over again. I never understood what she meant.

Now I do!