Twenty-some odd years ago, as the New Year was dawning, I remember sitting down with my pen and paper, feverishly sketching a list. Not just any list...THE list...a list that most of us make each New Year with the best of all intentions of seeing it through. While memory fails on each and every item on said list, I do remember it looking a little something like this:
1) Losing this excess weight
2) Meeting my financial obligations (which is a hoot now, considering I was unemployed then!)
3) Seeing all of my written works published
4) Meeting the "right" person and having a family (okay, I never actually put this on the list but it was implied.)
5) Finding a good (translation: a high-paying, work-too-many-hours, no time for God, family, self to the point of developing hypertension and possibly having a heart attack) job and being successful.
And the list went on....
I was 18 and barely into my first year of college when I made that list. I had the best intentions when it was made. We all want to move forward in life, to gain promotion, to be successful, with the approval of those around us. None of us want to struggle. We don't want the pain of being unfit, in debt, working a dead end job because that's all that's available due to an uncertain economy and job market. We also don't want to be alone. We may say it with our words and to some degree show it in the way we conduct our daily lives but the truth of the matter is, we are not equipped to walk through this world by ourselves. None of us want to be uncomfortable. I am no exception. Sadly, 23 years after writing this list, I found myself exactly where no one wants to be. It was a combination of the choices of others coupled with my own heartbreak and rebellion. As a result, my perspective has changed along with what I have come to see as truly important. With that, I offer my new list of resolutions for 2011; some "Grown-Up Resolutions" as it were.
1) I desire character above reputation. A reputation is the way you present yourself to the world. Character is who you are when no one but yourself and God is present.
2) I desire mercy, forgiveness, and compassion, keeping in mind that I myself stand in the need of these things daily.
3) I desire patience and humility in times when pride would like to rear its ugly head.
4) I desire joy, peace, stability, and maturity. I have wasted 23 years of my life allowing my feelings to boss me around and determine the way my day was going to go. I have wasted 23 years of my life by not setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. I have wasted 23 years of my life letting my circumstances lead the way and in doing so steal my peace and my joy. I have wasted enough time being touchy, petty, mistrusting of people, and outright miserable. I no longer have my life in front of me as I did when I was 18. And I no longer have the time for wasting anymore time.
5) I desire a healthy, balanced relationship with myself. I am the one person in the world I can never get away from. And as mentioned before, I have wasted 23 years of my life comparing myself to others for a myriad of reasons; not being satisfied with the gifts God gave me, wishing I looked like Sister So-and-So, wishing I could sing, dance, etc. like this person over here. I have wasted so many years trying to change my hair like my favorite singer (Amy Grant's spiral perm), trying to change my body in unhealthy fashions (can anyone say "California Diet" along with "Slim Fast"?), trying to change my ways of speaking including not speaking at all because someone believes I talk too much and adopting the likes of others whether or not I may actually share these likes. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am who I am and as such, I am making peace with my hair, my mouth, and my thighs!
6) I desire to love people and to help people when and where that may be possible. Maybe through a smile, a look, a hug. Or maybe just a simple "I understand" when in all actuality I don't understand. In short, I guess really all I want is to just make a difference!
Granted, this list is a work in progress (as am I) and I will probably have ample opportunity to add to it throughout this next year. I still desire to be healthy, to manage my finances. I still possess the desire to see at least one book in print. There is still so much that I would like to see and do before my time here is through. Will I accomplish it all? Perhaps. What should matter is the things that are of true importance--such as what was listed--are what gets accomplished and that they are accomplished with a pure heart and proper motives.
Have a blessed New Year!
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