It's getting to be that time...
I don't know how it all crept up so soon but it's around the corner....
No, I am not referring to Christmas (although that too is sneaking its way to the front door).
I am referring to that annual gathering every autism parent must participate in but so very few look forward to with eagerness and enthusiasm...the IEP. Individualized Education Plan if anyone unfamiliar with autismese is reading this.
Overall, I can't complain about the IEPs we've attended for Matthew. From the beginning of this leg, he's had a support staff that is beyond excellent, who has worked with him and not against us. It's been wonderful to actually have a team of people who keep lines of communication open and who recognize the young man behind the diagnosis. With his brother, the experience was just the opposite.
Unfortunately, it's because of this upcoming event I had the mother of all meltdowns.
Since Matthew is now 18-years-old and, for all intents and purposes, an adult, Papa and I have had to go through the process of obtaining guardianship, something I never would have dreamed I'd be doing, especially for my own son! But we filled out the paperwork, met with the professionals, had our day in court, and guardianship was approved and granted. So of course, given his age and being in the adult/transitional program at his school, yet another assessment had to be filled out. An assessment rating which daily living/social/and whatever other title you want to put on them skills he possesses and whether or not these things can be carried out independently. Kind of like a 1-10 scale except this is a 0-2 with 0 being he cannot and 2 being he can do independently. Okay..I got through this portion all right.
The last section of the assessment had to do with future happenings; what type of school did I want to see him attending? College? Trade school? Vocational school? Another type of school? And for him to meet this goal, he would need___________________________________________ and I was to fill in the blank. There was a section like this for employment, education, where he would reside, how he would get from point A to point B, what social/community happenings would I like to see him taking part in. Of course, to meet these goals, he would need_______________________________________________________.
It was at this point where Momma completely lost it!
Before I ever became a mother, I used to imagine what it would be like to have children. I visualized what they looked like from the color of their hair to their eye/skin color. I dreamed big dreams for them and wondered what their lives would be like, where their hopes and plans would take them. Once the boys were actually here, those hopes and plans and dreams only magnified. I suppose that is how it is for most of us in the "Mommyhood."
Then autism came a-calling and all of a sudden these hopes and dreams and visualizations seemed to fly right out the window. These big dreams I used to dream no longer existed. Now it was just a matter of getting him from one day to the next. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I stared at that assessment, tears pouring down my face, not knowing how to answer the questions/statements. These were things I stopped thinking about fourteen years ago when life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. These were ideals I have not so much as entertained even as Matthew has progressed. I have frozen at the very idea. My heart broke once again reading through each of these plans...hopes....dreams....ideals...things every parent wishes for their child and so many never get to realize.
It's been a little more than a day now and I have had a chance to regroup. I will most likely pick this assessment back up, return to that section, and make a valiant attempt at answering. I may do it through tears. I may do it stone faced. I may have to fake my way through somehow. I'm not really sure at this point but I know somehow it will be done. It has to be done.
I just wish I knew how...
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