18 And Life

 Tomorrow my son Matthew turns 18. What teenager doesn't dream of that age and what it represents? Matthew knows he's turning 18; ask him and he'll tell you with that big, toothy, joyful smile that he has come to be known for. Does he know everything that seems to go with that age? Good question. 

I sat with my mom over a cup of coffee earlier this evening, tears pouring down my face. My mom, God bless her, sat and listened as she is so good at doing. Sometimes it is so hard to keep it all together. Sometimes, even at my age, you just need your mom. Tonight I needed my mom!

I looked at Matthew, a strapping 5'10,' 216 pounds, broad-shouldered, butch-cut brown hair, mustache, and eyes that sparkle and pierce at the same time. I looked at him, looked back at my mom and said, "Autism sucks!" I pored over things that Matthew "should" be doing--senior pictures, hanging with friends, school activities, the college thing. I so prayed for families for him and his brother, kids and grandkids. At this moment, it looks as though these are to remain prayers and shoulds. And I am angry.

Mom listened and then asked me a short but pointed question. "Angry at who?"

I stopped and thought about that.

Who or what am I angry with?

Am I angry with Matthew? Or Jordan? No. Frustrated and frazzled maybe. But how can I be angry at them for something that they didn't sign up for? How can I be angry at them for something that leaves them as frustrated and frazzled as I am?

Am I angry with those who are not on the spectrum? No. Again, it's rather hard to be angry at someone over something they have no say over. I do, however, get frustrated when I hear gripes over things that I can only wish for or pray about, things like a first word, first job, or living independently. Matthew's first words came 6 1/2 years ago. His first job hasn't happened yet. As for living independently? Who knows?

Am I angry with God? I used to be in the beginning, in part I think, because I had no clue what it was I up against. I didn't understand what autism was and wasn't, I had never dealt with it, never been introduced to it, and as a result I was left scared to death. I questioned what His purpose was for my boys' being on the spectrum. I questioned why them, why our family. I asked why, if He could speak the world into existence, He couldn't or wouldn't speak the word and my sons were "normal." No more autism. And I grew weary of hearing how "God only gives special kids to special people." I'm still weary of it. I know Matthew was created in the image of God. His name means "Gift Of God." Autism, however, was not created by God. Can God use it for good? Absolutely! 

Am I angry with autism? Well...yeah...if I am to be brutally honest, yes, I am. I am angry for what it has taken from my boys, their choices, their options. I am past angry with the judgments and mindsets that still seem to be prevalent out there that say our children are nothing more than "nature's mistakes" and should be put away somewhere. I am livid at the attitude that tells me that I am fighting my children if I dare to go after the dragon of autism. Guess what? I do fight! If I were given the ability to evict this intruder from my boys, you'd better believe I would do it and not think twice about it! Would I trade my boys? Not for anything in this world!

So I sit here tonight on the eve of my boy's 18th. birthday with mixed emotions. I grieve and yet I celebrate. Most of all, in the midst of the grieving and the celebrating, I love my son with every fiber of my being and will continue to face the dragon that is autism until I draw my last breath. I will grieve from time to time. That I am sure of. I am also sure that I will still celebrate and I will still love.