Let me make this clear right now right off the bat. While I have moments of downright despising autism, my kids are another matter! My kids are the very air that I breathe. They are the reason I do what I do from my cashiering job at a local home improvement box store to fumbling for the words on each and every blog posting.
Autism, however, has been a cruel bedfellow. Autism has caused a beautiful young man (Matthew) to war within himself for seven years because he did not have the words to express what it was he needed, wanted, liked or didn't like. It left him unable to say when he was scared or sad, sick or angry, grunts and screams and flustered gestures his only means of getting his point across. Even then, it was still a guessing game.
Autism has caused this precious boy scream at me in frustration, to throw himself down and hit himself in the forehead, and to spit and bite his hands and arms. Autism has caused overloaded systems (his as well as mine), loneliness, isolation, unwanted parenting advice, rude remarks, and judgmental glances.
Autism has caused another beautiful soul (Jordan) to be bullied, misunderstood, and judged. It has caused him to struggle internally, wondering what, if anything, was wrong with him. It has caused social awkwardness and knowing the right things to say and when (or when not) to say them. Where other young people have their circles, their groups, Jordan has himself, his computer, and his cat Daisy. Oddly enough, he seems to be okay with that; better than I have been anyway.
I look at both of my boys and an old familiar ache settles in. Matthew, who turns 18 in five days, should be having senior pictures taken, scouting colleges, hanging out with friends and quite possibly dating. At least that's what the NT (neuro-typical for those who may not know the lingo) world tells me. Jordan has overcome a lot but I still worry about him. Will he be okay when he leaves for school in December? Will he be able to manage his schedule, his money, his everything in between okay?
Did I mention that autism sucks?
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