A few nights ago while perusing the news feed on my Facebook page there was a link to a page called Asperger Test Site. At this site there was a link to a page where an online test could be taken for those who suspect they may have Asperger's. I was curious. Maybe a bit too curious and decided to take the test. A score of 32 was pretty proof positive that said test taker had Asperger's. Scores of 26-31 were borderline. I scored a 30.
30...let me chew on this a minute...30...borderline Asperger's. It's definitely not the worst news I've ever been given. Actually the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to me. In an odd sort of way, really, just knowing this brings a sense of relief.
I understand a bit better why I was able to memorize "The Wizard Of Oz" and script lines from some of my favorite cartoons and TV shows but couldn't tell you what we'd discussed in class just a few days before. I understand why public speaking was always such a nightmare for me, why when I would have to give speeches for Mrs. Osterberg's freshman English class and later Mr. Harris' Speech 111 I'd look above the heads of the people I was speaking to. Many of my classmates had commented that I was rolling my eyes. I might have been. All I remember was cringing at the very notion of looking these people in the eye. I still struggle with eye contact. I've learned to adapt; working retail and being a mom kinda flings you face first in that arena. Even with the people I am the most comfortable with, close friends and family, I struggle. And when I am in a stressful situation, the struggle is even greater.
I understand why I was socially awkward and awkwardly social. I still am. Small groups--ten or less--are doable. Beyond that, I am a fish out of water. Conversation in certain situations is hard for me. Meeting people and getting to know them does not come as easy as I once thought it did. I prefer a library to a bookstore over nightclubs and parties. When I find a subject (or something that I've experienced) that I am passionate about or a person I am interested in, I tend to focus almost to the point of fixating on these things. I will research and exhaust them until I am about exhausted. As I read my mind turns into a movie screen and I can almost visualize the characters and settings and what is happening in between. Facial expressions and emotions are not the easiest for me to read and if you say something to me you'd better mean what you say and say what you mean. The clutter of background noise is almost overwhelming. Anymore clutter as clutter is overwhelming. Do all of these things make me an Aspie? I'm not exactly sure. Truth be told, I would not be surprised if I were.
Does this also mean that I am the reason for my boys being where they are on the spectrum? That may very well be, as there is a genetic link with autism and its related disorders. But what about the families whose children are on the spectrum and there is no other hint of autism whatsoever? Doesn't quite clear that mystery up!
I like to think that, should I be an Aspie, I am able to "get" my sons. I pray that I am able to understand them even the tiniest bit better. And maybe possibly to love them even more...
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