Much Ado About Bullies....

This weekend makes the last weekend before sending the kids back to school. Everywhere you look in the media there are ads toting the "Back-To-School" mantra, expounding endlessly on the latest gadgets and gizmos and fashion fads that are guaranteed to get Susie and Johnny off on the right foot for a phenomenal school year. Everything we seem to need is mentioned in one ad or another. Everything except for one very important thing...

What about bullying?

Bullying is nothing new to the world of kiddom; I was bullied myself. I remember the name calling, the taunts, the jeers, getting reprimanded by my third grade language arts teacher for correcting my own workbook because none of the kids would trade with me, being picked last for gym class or anything resembling physical activity. I remember standing in the aisle on the school bus all the way home because no one would let me sit with them. I remember going to teachers and telling them what was going on only to hear, "Tell them sticks and stones." Which, by the way, I did. I remember going to the teachers again because the taunting isn't stopping and hearing, "Lorelei, nobody likes a tattletale." 

Somehow, in the midst of it, I pressed on and muddled through, developing a bad attitude in places. I didn't appear any worse for the ware until my own son was bullied.

Jordan was diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of eight. After Matthew's diagnosis I became a bit more observant of some "quirkiness" that Jordan had been displaying. I came across a few articles pertaining to Asperger's and, as I read it, was blown away at how much Jordan fit into these categories. After an evaluation, the diagnosis was confirmed. And that's when the trouble began.

Around this same time, Ira and I were going through our own issues (we were separated; also another post) and on top of this plus the Asperger's diagnosis, Jordan was said to have clinical depression. I made it a point of speaking to Jordan's classroom every April during Autism Awareness month and I stayed in touch with his teachers throughout. Unfortunately, as he went along, some of the other kids knew which buttons to push and how to push them and they did so in a way that 1) they would initiate the problem, Jordan would retaliate, and 3) Jordan would get in trouble. 

Now please don't misunderstand. Jordan was not an angel and I was not naive enough to think otherwise. My father was a teacher and I knew from his experience as well as my own that if someone else's little darling was capable of pulling stuff, so was mine. But I also knew my son well enough to know that he didn't just do something because the wind was blowing; there was usually cause and effect. Apparently it was acceptable to shove him into the girls' bathroom and then tell the principal/vice-principal that "he just wandered in there, they didn't know why." It was acceptable to call him a "fat motherfucker" as he walked down the halls in between classes. Apparently.

And so I am getting phone calls and disciplinary reports on a daily/weekly basis. Because I have the audacity to question and say, "What happened that led to......?" I am the bad guy and not taking the situation(s) seriously. So of course it should have come as no surprise that on one fine afternoon, one of the boys that had been bullying Jordan was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jordan, who by this time had internalized everything that had been happening and had gotten his gut full, dropped this kid. Dropped meaning he kicked this kid right in the family jewels. And the school was kind enough to take this along with the phone calls and disciplinary reports and ship them over to probate court. My son was being brought up on assault and battery charges.

No parent ever imagines this. Not in their worst dreams could they. But it was happening. My son was being charged with assault and battery. Court fees, fines, attorney fees (we had a court appointed attorney), none of which we could afford. Community service, meeting with a P.O., going through a court mandated class which, to me, was a glorified DARE class for ten weeks...these were our reality for nearly six months. I remember sitting with Jordan in that court room before the Judge (who was so kind to us) with my stomach in knots wondering what was going to happen to my boy. I put my Poker face on and muddled through but my insides felt like raw hamburger. I was scared, sad, and pissed off all at the same time!

I remember asking Jordan, "Why didn't you tell someone what was going on? Why didn't you tell your teachers this was happening?" Jordan looked me square in the eye and said, "What good would it have done, Mom? They wouldn't have believed me anyway." What do you say to that?

We somehow pressed through. We attended the class and graduated. Jordan met with his P.O. who was, I found out, one of the sweetest ladies I'd ever met. He dove into his community service with both feet, working so hard that by the time it was done, he was off probation three months early which meant no more money was owed. Good thing too, because I struggled to pay what I did. Jordan, however, was not the same and I knew if he stayed where he was, he'd be a statistic. 

In the midst of all of this, I had called a local charter school and asked about enrolling him. I liked the curriculum, the smaller class sizes, and it sounded like the right fit for him. I pulled his records from the middle school and faxed them over along with the application. I got a call from them one month later telling me there was an opening available if we wanted it. I accepted and Jordan never went back to the middle school. He graduated from Concord Academy Petoskey in June 2012 and will be attending Michigan Career & Technological Institute for web design this December.

Jordan was one of the lucky ones. Other young people aren't. Bullying is on the rise and with it the suicides of those being bullied. Just recently a 15-year-old student in Greenwich, Connecticut killed himself...on the first day of school!!!!! His classmates believe bullying played a part in his death. There are so many more that I'm sure go unheard of.  My question is, why are young people basically being bullied to death?

Sooooo..............here is my question for anyone who has stayed with me this long...............

How then do we equip our children to deal with the bullies that we know are out there? How do we equip ourselves? How do we help our children to see that it does indeed get better?