Momma's a 33!

So I retook the test that I had taken at www.aspergertestsite.com. The one where I had scored a 30, a borderline score for Asperger's. As I was taking the test I decided to be a bit more honest with myself when answering. My score? 33.

A score of 32 or above is the official criteria for Asperger's. I was a 33. I am a 33! Remember when I'd said I was not surprised? That's still true. At the same time, my first thought was, "Wow!" 

I've spent the last fourteen years as an autism parent, advocating for my boys, attending IEPs, fighting the schools (well, one school in particular but that's another post). I've read and researched and studied and sobbed as an autism parent. Question after question after question..

Strangely enough, when I shared this revelation with my mom and my sister, they didn't seem all that surprised. My sister pointed out, "You always had your nose in a book. You don't like change and when your mind is made up to how things are going to be that's how it's going to be!" Scripting lines from TV and movies...reading Dad's King James Version of the Bible before I started school (whether or not I understood it is another matter)...grouping books by the author, records, cassettes, and eventually CDs by the artist, movies by category...being socially awkward and awkwardly social as I shared in another posting...preferring bookstores, libraries to nightclubs and bars...struggling with eye contact and reading the faces of others...yeah, it all makes sense now.

So now with this revelation, does this mean my boys are where they are on the spectrum because of where I am? There is a genetic link after all. Has a specific gene been pinpointed? That I believe is yet to be determined. I suppose I could blame myself and say it is my fault, that some "defect" within me is what led to Jordan and Matthew being on the spectrum. Autism parents have enough to deal with and we struggle enough without self blame and guilt being added to the mix. The debate over the exact cause(s) of autism and autism-related disorders has been going on and will probably continue to go on long after I am a memory. What matters to me is where do we go from here? What can we do to help our children? What can we do to help each other? 

And how can we understand each other?