My Puzzler Is Sore

   It's a Wednesday morning. I'm making my way through the coffee pot while my nephew and my younger kids are playing the latest game craze--"Minecraft." Jordan, my 19-year-old Aspie is upstairs either in front of his TV or on the computer "YouTubing" while Matthew, my 17-year-old with autism, is also upstairs most likely plugged in to his MP3 player. I feel unusually drained this morning. I feel depleted in my head and depleted in my soul. I feel like I am neck deep in water but I'm not getting wet. I feel empty and right now, I don't want to write about autism or anything remotely related to it. I don't want to think back to having to scrub dried poop off the walls because Matthew was going through a smearing phase or about having to throw towel after towel away because it had been used to wipe his butt off. I don't want to remember the judgmental glances and the snide remarks and people pulling away from us because Matthew is in the middle of a meltdown and, God forbid, it all might rub off on their perfect little darlings. I don't want to recall having to leave social gatherings almost as quickly as getting there because the noise of the surroundings is overloading Matthew's system and he's gearing up for a major meltdown. I don't want to look back and re-live my boys struggling to make sense of the world around them, a world that isn't as willing to adapt to them as it is to force them to adapt to the world. I don't want to see them on the sidelines while all around them there is this group and that group and it is painfully obvious that they don't quite fit in with any of them. I don't want to piece together this crazy walk that my family has been on for the last fourteen years. Some days, I just want to forget and this is one of those days. This is one of those days when I want to just drink my coffee, close my eyes, and forget. Forget the IEPs...forget the awkwardness...forget all of it! 

      But....I can't forget...however much I want to...I can't forget. I won't forget. And now all I feel is sad.